The Diary Of A Depressed Girl.

 Dear Diary,

 

Loyalty, honesty, and vulnerability.

Why am I like this! Perhaps it is because of my rough childhood, or maybe because I am a loner, an introvert who loves to do things on their own. I have built a wall that no one can climb. I feel safest when I am alone and I am the kind of person that loves to create a safe environment emotionally from people that are close to me, especially friends, rarely family. I am the weird child, the one who is never seen, leave alone talking and holding conversations.

Ask me about everyone else but me. Am I really this damaged? This cold? This afraid? Today, I got a glimpse of my other side, somewhat my hidden side (Shadow). The side that is toxic, and very narcissistic. You know, they say that people who are kind and pleasant have another side that is equally extreme. I didn’t believe this until today. How did I end up here, how can I be like this? Am i this ugly? How did i get here?

“Self-awareness is like an onion. There are multiple layers to it and the more you peel them back, the more likely you’re going to start crying at inappropriate times.” Mark Manson.

I discovered that I am very defensive. I have set very high standards for myself and when I don’t achieve them, I become self critical and self loathing. When confronted by the small and normal failures of life, I literally build up a wall and put on my “miss perfect mask” to hide my shame. I have not allowed myself to fall, I cant fail, I rarely do, but on the rare occasions I do, I never come to terms with it. Build my ego? Maybe. To make my inner child proud, certainly. 

For the longest time, I have not felt like I could rely on anyone. I have been my own person, my own parent, my own hero. Sometimes, I feel tired, of life. Most times I feel the need to leave everyone and everything behind and disappear. This is selfish, I know. But they can’t understand me, how do I even begin to explain this feeling, do I even have a voice? I know they can never see life the way i do, Life is hard to say the least!

I am angry, I am tired. Mental exhaustion? Maybe. I am confused and a bitch most times. I love my family but I don’t allow myself to believe that they love me as well. TBH I don’t feel loved by them. I usually feel like my friends love me more than my family does, this must be the reason why I highly regard those that are in my inner circle. No one ever knows what is going on in my life. When I’m sad, happy, or frustrated, I keep to myself. Other times, my feelings don’t even have a name. I get too emotional about life! You dig?